Monday, April 16, 2018

Tweets if I Were Not a Minister



As one who serves in a small-town church, I often worry about sharing too transparently on social media.

Will my jesting tone come off in this tweet? (Probably not.)

Will I offend women with pixie cuts with this status? (6 of the 5 will take it the wrong way.)

Will people change churches if they see that I watch (ok--am obsessed with) #SNL?
(Yes, but it's probably those flaky fans who quit watching when Farley and Sandler got fired and still claim that was the "best cast ever". #ImTriggered) 😂

Questions like these have forced my thumb over the delete button many of times, and while this is most likely for the best, I started a running list of these unfiltered tweets.

Once I hit 10, I thought, "What the heck, some folks might get a grin out of these."

So, without further adieu, here are 10 tweets that would have been tweeted (twitted?) if I were not a minister:

  • “Watching Peppa Pig confirms why they lost the war.” #ThingsMyHusbandSay
  • Some people are as pleasant to be around as bitting the inside of your cheek. #boundaries 
  • Sometimes in life, that which you thought was a Mr.Darcy, just turned out to be one hot jerk. #FirthFan4Life 
  • Canceling cable seems to be the new cross fit or vegan trend, “You gave up TV? Wow..." 😜 #OkWeGetIt
  • Rocking my daughter to sleep makes me feel like a club DJ at last call.There's one half-awake/over dramatic person left whose random song request are barely understandable, “one more song peese!? Tinkle ittle stAr? Back sheep,bahbah?Wane-wane? One more song peese!? Just one more?!”
  • First experience of trash talk from a reader on my blog right before I went in for my well-women’s exam. Things can only go up from here, right? 
  • I want to be like the assertive types that take crap from nobody and drink their coffee strong and black. But the truth is that my coffee is often sweeter than it should be, and my sincere joy comes off as passive, unaware and nieve. 
  • There's nothing funnier than your toddler using "I forgive you" in the wrong context. It reminds me of the #AnchorMan scene when Ron says to Veronica, "When In Rome". 

And another version of this Tweet--

  • There's nothing funnier than your toddler using "I forgive you" in the wrong context. I mean, I have never been forgiven so much, well except, you know--Jesus.

And lastly-- 

  • Today's one of those days that I'm so mad I could cuss on Twitter, but I'm too damn afraid to piss off any church members.


If you are like me and are too scared, filtered, or overly-analytical to share transparently on social media, may we be bold when it counts (like on actual issues of justice and mercy) and share the hilarious tweets that were never twitted (tweeted?) below!😋✌❤