Written on May 1, 2014.
“It takes a village to raise a child-and always has. And tho every child needs a mother, it is mothering we really need, since so many people must automatically be part of it. Every step along the way a child needs a responsible adult looking out for them, paving the way, being there when the crying begins and the bus number has been forgotten and the fear sets in. Mother’s day is for all-we are all meant to mother the next generation.” Joan Chittister
I have never valued my “village” more. Their presence is truly life-giving. I find myself, who God made me to be, while doing life with my awesome community. In the midst of adopting two, twelve-year-old girls, and being 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant, the Holy Spirit is pouring on the peace through my friends and family-my village.
While still adjusting my new hat of Motherhood, my heart overflows with gratitude for each member of this village. Without their wisdom and joy, there is no way I could manage all that currently fills my plate.
I pray for the twins, Jesus. While Garrett and I love them tremendously, we know you love them more.
Heal their wounds. I pray that your loving embrace would comfort them at night and guide them through each new day. Nurture their souls.
May Mary lose her need to please others.
May Emily learn to accept help and comfort from others.
Bring them both to a greater state of self-awareness. May they love the way you uniquely put them both together.
I realize this is a lofty prayer, but I pray that your grace would erase the negative voices in their heads. May these words be replaced with the affirming words of those in their new village. While I don’t know the exact waves that cap and crash in their hearts, I pray counseling will help settle these. Please, Jesus, Please.
The responsibility of healing them often falls on my shoulders. However, there is no need for me to save them-you already have. This burden I give to you, Lord, knowing you are mighty to save.
Save the baby that is growing inside of me. It feels so selfish to type this prayer. It feels so selfish to lament in this fashion. My good friend and doula has given me a pep-talk to which I will now adhere. She has instructed me to celebrate. This is a difficult task for me. It is uncomfortable to write and speak of such things. To speak of them gives them life. To speak of them makes them a reality that I must face. Celebrating the life within me is challenging.
It should be celebrated though. Bring out the balloons and streamers! It is life that will live on regardless to how the test reads on May 27th. I believe in life after death, I believe in everlasting life found in Christ. There is peace in this realization-magnificent peace. I believe that God loves this little blueberry-shaped creature more than Garrett and I combined. And while all I want is to sing and rock a little baby on December 13th, there is a 15% chance that this might not be the case-on earth that is.
My views of God’s providential care are currently being rocked by this notion. One thing is for certain, in the midst of life’s uncomfortable mysteries-GOD IS WORKING FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM. This mantra carries me and helps me maintain my sanity.
Along with this mantra, my heart proclaims an earth-shattering “thank you”! Within my womb is a piece of Garrett and piece of me. Within my womb is a miracle. God is wonderfully knitting together a heart, a brain, limbs, and even a soul (as my wise doula pointed out). What more is there to say but “______”. I stand speechless. I stand in awe of this miracle. Eyes and heart widened at my humanly attempt to comprehend this divine phenomenon.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Despite the test results on May 27th-thank you, God. For every grace-filled day, for every person that has ever loved me. For every beautiful sight and life-giving memory, and for the miracle that I am honored to carry-thank you.