I am trying to polish up all of my areas of growth before you arrive. I want to be at my best when I meet you. I figure the longer it takes to get pregnant, the more time I have to figure this whole parenting/life thing out, the better! Oh, who am I kidding?! Even if I wait to become a Mom ‘till I am fifty, I would still not have everything figured out.
One thing I do have figured out is that I am my Mother’s daughter-and there’s nothing I can do about it. Vices and virtues, we are very much alike. It has taken me a while to take pride in this fact. This is because my childhood was bumpy at times. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mom remarried when I was four. The military led us to move several times. My Dad had a temper. (noticed the past tense here? He’s doing well on his journey towards inner peace.) Over the years they have both sought out my forgiveness for their skewed priorities. They both did their best at loving me. I will be forever grateful to them. By the healing grace of Christ (and many self-help books and therapy) our family is slowly finding peace with each other. The relationship between my mom and I began to heal at my older sister’s wedding.
Out of love for me, my mom brought up my dating life often. I dated some, but not because I truly liked the four guys that asked me out in college. I dated them because I thought they would be impressive to date. They all had glowing GPAs and loved Jesus, and that was it. (Remember I am a Point 3 on the Enneagram, this is sadly how I am operate when I am under stress. Visit the test on the right side of this blog and take the test yourself.)
My dating life (or lack thereof) was all the rage at Rosemary’s wedding, when I was nineteen. I was single, so Helen (my college roomie all four years) joined me at the wedding. Little did I know that a HUGE turning point in my relationship with my Mother was waiting for me at this ceremony. Don’t get me wrong, this was one of the moststressful days of my life; for my family multiplied the amount of drama for this special occasion.
My Mom and I were alone in the sanctuary. She listened from the pew as I practiced the song I was singing. I finished and I heard her sobbing. She was crying hard. I turned to her, and as the peace-making, middle-child, that I am, jokingly said, “Well, glad my performance was so moving. I’m here every Tuesday.” At this point she came towards the stage. She hugged me with every ounce of strength and said, “I do not deserve you. You all four have turned out way better than I could ever imagine and deserve, and I do not deserve you. I am so sorry for all of the many mistakes I have made, please forgive me.” Though I thought she was being over-dramatic, as she usually was/is, this moment was very healing for the both of us.
I tear up as I type it out years later. We have come so far since then. Each year the Holy Spirit reshapes our family with one mended memory, with one healed scar. I now appreciate that I have my mom’s love for; education, antiques, good comedies, diverse music, good cosmetic products, and presenting each meal as if it were a piece of art. I am thankful that she raised me to bust through any glass ceiling.
She is a curriculum director for an amazing school district in the south. She is exceptional in this position. She currently has offers to work for ACT (yes, THE ACT. That required test that caused ulcers in High School.) To this day, any phone call with her ends with the career advice of (please read in a southern accent), “You know what? I know you don’t need my advice, but I’m gonna tell you this. Sometimes, the less you say the better, and in this situation you just gotta let your passion and skill-set speak for itself. I feel, I honestly feel you are exactly where God wants you and that right there- that will lead you to the next step.”